PRISONER OF MY OWN BODY

The brain injury (TBI) I had made the left side of my body out of the control for movements from my brain, it’s called hem paresis and what no doctor nor neurologist can explain why I have all the feelings at skin level, just like the other side, but I cannot move voluntarily the arm, leg and hand on that side.

The other thing that nobody – no matter what education or experience – can explain is why I can still reason and make logical thought just like before I injured the brain, I certainly had an initial period of confusion and short memory problems but now I’m exactly like my title here, my brain is like it used to be, but my body is out of my control, so in a way I’m prisoner of my own body.

Many people who love me tell me that I could have a normal and productive life again, I actually remember many years ago – before the TBI – going out to dinner with an important corporate attorney who has been sitting on a wheelchair for many decades already, when I told about this meeting to others, I never even mentioned of the man’s disabled condition, I just spoke about his expertise and importance for the company he works at, like the wheelchair didn’t even register in my thoughts and the admiration for the man whom I described as completely normal was more important, the wheelchair was just a secondary detail not worth to be part of my report of that meeting.

My reasoning for feeling mortally disabled is complex and I’m going to bullet point the reason, in no particular order of importance:

These are the reasons that make me, my thinking and international expertise like a prisoner of my body, because my inability to walk independently makes everything very difficult, painful and uncomfortable.
• I can’t represent at executive level a footwear company if I can never wear and use the product; in my opinion this eliminates any credibility when I talk about the company or the brand and what they stand for.

• Given that to travel any distance for me is almost impossible, I could never both meet an important customer at his site nor participate to off-site company meetings.

• For someone on a wheelchair three steps is an architectural barrier very difficult to overcome without help, and I don’t know of any company building designed for people on wheelchairs.


It’s actually the very reason why I was abandoned (and replaced) by my life companion and mother of my treasures, who can’t put together the memories of me, her husband with the reality of her disabled divorced man, so she turned the page.

To me the fact that we went to walk on the moon but still have no idea of what to do to repair parts (lobes) of the brain is unacceptable and I’m looking for the Kennedy who’ll say that “in the next 10 years we’ll go there and return safely”, or learn how to repair the organ called brain.

MY DAD AND EINSTEIN

 

The last time I saw my dad he told me that he’s sure that we all have a soul because he could see/sense it leave the body of people when they were dying and he also has always been saying since I was very young that death is the most fair expressions of nature, it doesn’t matter how powerful or rich you are, or even if you are the Pope, everyone dies at a certain point.

This initiated in me my curiosity about death, since I got very close to it more than once and now that I’ve learned from doing neurofeedback that our brains produce electricity to function and make the body live I do agree with both my father saying that we all have a soul and with Einstein too who demonstrated that there’s no end to energy.

I did ask to my dad that when he’ll die I’d appreciate if his soul/energy to somehow have my own brain repair itself because nothing in this world exists that can do it – still.

I believe that brain repair is the current frontier of the medicine science, even if I call it a guess science, but whatever the method this is what needs to be done in this second millennium and I really hope that it won’t take 1,000 years to figure it out.

I call neurologists today Losers because to study medicine means in some way that you care for others and want to learn what can be done to someone sick or injured, but why would someone with such dedication specialize in a matter impossible to treat like the human brain?

I would be immensely frustrated to have to study and pass exams to show that I’ve learnt the nothing of neurology, it’s true that something can be done to people with Parkinson of other minor injuries or diseases at the brain, but to study something that every book says that it can’t be ever repaired shows the amount of masochism that every neurologist must have for the self.

A doctor who can’t cure what’s injured must be very frustrated.

So I now hope that both Einstein and my dad have been correct in saying that we are electrical brains and as such are infinite, without an end.

http://www.einsteinandreligion.com/

THE IMPOSSIBLE

I was famous while working for always stating that “the impossible doesn’t exist” and tell people working with me to never use this word.

Then I had the accident that gave me TBI that’s “impossible” to cure, and I told to myself that this was the joke/punishment to the one (me) who used to state that this situation simply doesn’t exist, it’s only the inability to see the different options to overcome whatever seems difficult to obtain.

Well now I’m about to prove that the “impossible cure for TBI” can be found with enough determination and resources that I never lost. It would be too long and complicated for me to explain what I discovered and I’m going to soon use to get back to walking, especially because I’m not a medical doctor, but if anybody would need to know from me, just email me the questions and I’ll surely reply and explain the best I can, I have however already put here on the side few links to sites about my latest discovery and I think that by going there you can have a pretty good idea of what I’m thinking to try and who is going to help me.

Like everything else in medicine, nothing is sure or predictable until it’s tried and tested by an individual in need, so let’s “wait and see” before saying that also in my case the impossible doesn’t exist.

I will write here of my results, but it will take some time.

MY TREASURES

My 2 treasures asked me very sincerely and tenderly not to move back to Italy to be closer to my family of origin.

Even if their mother was clearly unhappy that I had immediately promised to never leave them by moving very far, I’m very happy and proud of the strength of character of my own children for having asked me to do something that their mother doesn’t agree with.

I told her that she shouldn’t be concerned because my staying here means that I'm going to keep paying her to take my treasures where I live each Sunday.

I guess that her disappointment for me staying here comes from the fact that she knows very well the breed of warrior I’m made out of and that I’ll never stop putting on her face her selfishness and lack of morality, she’s a woman who replaced her husband of 15 years with his doctor and tried as much as she could to give to herself my wealth both earned with work and inherited from my Italian family.

My treasures have given the first sure sign of what she should expect going forward.

The law that best explains what’s going to happen is the “you get what you give” law and the complete absence of love and support that she’s been giving to me is what’s she’s going to be reciprocated with going on.

What my treasures are going to receive from me is the wealth of myself and my centennial family history that will help them succeed in all they will do (or make an effort to do) in life.

While I’m very happy now, I feel somewhat guilty too because I never even dreamed that it was because of what my treasures decided, that I could start my return to the happy and worriless life I’ve always had.

Once again my treasures show their true Lingiardi nature that will always be part of who they are and what they do.

Grazie, il vostro papà vi vuole tanto bene.

JESUS HAD TOLD ME

When I got out of the 2 months long coma I told to who was around me, my father and some good friends that I had talked with Jesus Christ who had asked me if I wanted to cross the river of death or return to earth alive, I’m told that I had chosen to come back to earth for my love for my children and that Jesus told me that I would have felt pain, in my own stupid simplicity I said that I thought that any pain can be controlled with some Tylenol. I later had to learn that nothing exists to diminish the pain to be replaced by a very beloved wife who took away with herself my children – who were the very reason why I chose to stay here – and the working/earning ability, that was very developed in me and had made it easy for me to have a very good career till then.

Now that I’ve overcome my atheism with the refusal to conceive the existence of a “good father God” I do believe in what I told to people then, what I still have big problems with is the idea that a sinner is going to spend eternity in hell. I’d much rather accept and like the idea that a sinner pays for his bad actions while still alive because the concept of pain for a soul is impossible for me to conceive. In fact in the Bible is written that whenever God is upset/mad to people He makes catastrophes happen that exterminate entire populations.

This is the God I like and I hope that He can listen to my prayers to punish that sinner/lover while he still is here on earth. A normal man like me would have real problems trying to explain a murder as a God-sent order; otherwise all the prisons would be filled with priests and monks.

The Jesus I talked with is going to help my ex-wife overcome her sense of guilt for what she has been doing to me, because He told me that guilt is the only reason that keeps us separated and my ex-wife has never been taught of the idea of forgiveness that’s so fundamental in Catholic education to free mind and spirit from earthly concerns.

MY DAD

When I was in Verona, Italy few weeks ago my dad gave me a talk about the end of his life.

He told me that he’s certain that a soul exists because he could see it leave the body of the many people he saw when they were dyeing and that he wants me to know that I’ve made him very proud in the way I’ve been living my life.

All I could say is that it’s not that I would wake up each morning with the plan to do something to make him proud of me, I actually always did everything the way I could imagine he would have done it himself, so if he’s proud of me he must be very proud of himself too because he is the one who gave to me the parameters against which measure the efficacy of words or actions.

He just got a surgery to repair the hip femur he had broken in a fall in his yard and much to everyone’s relief the surgery went well, now he’s going to have to do very much rehab to reinforce naturally both the bones and the muscles.

He told me that I’m the one who inspires him all the time because I’ve been fighting with everything I have to recover as much as possible my TBI, so we kind of agreed that even if he’ll have to use a wheelchair he’ll do it thinking of me all the time.

All I could say is that I’d rather have had my accident 40 years later because to be forced to be on a wheelchair “in the middle of walk of life”( or about 40y/o as D. Alighieri wrote in his Divine Comedy) is a nightmare that adds to the insult to have lost forever a wonderful wife who’s mother of my Lingiardi treasures who will never forget that I’m their real father, no matter what they are being forced to think.

I asked my dad to – if he dies – come to me as a soul and help me to walk again and believe even more that God is real, a father figure who cares for us all as His children, so no challenges we have in our lives are anything that we are unable to cope with.

My dad has done his surgery successfully so even if I didn’t need to see his soul I got back my faith in God, that just by itself is huge because only when you make the willing decision to believe in God you can be forgiven of all your sins and recover from anything.

Thank you dad, I’m glad you are still here with/for us and you encouraged my return to the Catholic faith.